qesolate fear of unmaskeq memories

There are frames on the wall filled with pictures of days i've never seen and happy faces I know not of. Thinking of the word 'family' and dreaming my new life away, only memories to hold me close. To find the only remaining touches of my being here is tucked away in a box labeled "past life". I am my own visitor to home.

---


and that is a strange feeling to not recognize anything in your home. No pictures of me anywhere, my stuff is shoved away to different places. My food is not in the normal fridge---It's in the fridge in the garage. My other food isn't on a shelf in the pantry---it's on the floor behind the door. I have two dressers in my room, a closet full of things that are not mine. a broken bed post to sleep on. An ugly blue color i hate on the walls. A stupid cover over my chair because it 'doesn't match the room unless it ties in with the color scheme i didn't choose'. Nothing absolutely NOTHING in this house has a touch of ME in it. no wonder I always feel strange coming here, I feel like I'm a visitor here minus the special treatment.


I MISS my dog and feeling like I OWN something. I pay rent but apparently it's not MY house. living here isn't worth it. I just want my dog back.

i just want to hear from him again.

tears definitely come out of hiding during random intervals of the day.
If I rationalize it, nothing about my schedule has changed
minus the wondering and the putting off of calling Mike.
If I think about it, I remember how i was always a little detached because i wasn't sure what I'd do.
But through the experiences of the past two days (though it's felt like a week) everything reminds me of him
and my eyes get all teary.
Couples saying 'we're together' is a blow to the gut when before it wouldn't have bothered me.
The knowledge that the person who knew me exactly and precisely, someone who has been a part of my life
for the past couple of years, is gone?
Fuck.
I can't feel any hurting.
But I sob as if I lost my own flesh and blood.
I wish the tears would stop coming down throughout the day FOR NO REASON.
Corny: I think of how much he loves me. And I cry.
His FACE flashes on my mind. And I cry.
He's brought up. and I cry.
I cry.
Last night was the first time I've ever truly cried myself to sleep.
Tears still flowing, and i slump in some weird outstretched pose and I'm too tired to think anymore.
I passed out! 

It's interesting.
I just wish I knew what he was doing.
If he's doing better.
To tell him he'll be ok.
To know if he knows I'll always love him.
Always.
fuck tears again.
stopped, umm,
yeah.
I'm not taking back my decision.
I just want him here is all.
I want to know he's moving on and being healthy about everything.
To remind him that drinking and smoking is bad.
To make friends.
And ask how his new job is going again.
I want to know all these things.

I want to take a shower.
point is: I don't feel hurt. I don't feel anything. But I know I miss him too much.
Tomorrow I'm going to see if Destiny will have me for a girls night.
I hope she does.... I want to do something an 18yr old would do.
Like eat chocolates and watch girly movies and laugh and cry.
I've always passed the motions.
But just this once.
Since the tears are humiliating enough.
I want someone to carry me.
God took away the pain, he's here.
So now I just need to find comfort in a girlfrannn
hehehe (:

And oh we would pretend
that love was like the ocean
with your heart floating against
the waves. But forgive me, i may sink for
you said my heart was made of gold.



f(c)o

-----

it's how it is.
I'm exhausted.
I don't want to be awake anymore.
more later.
maybe.

Pain dances in
front of my face
taunting me with his kiss,
leaving my lips
with a bitter taste
and a longing to smile again.

f(c)o
------

Every time he speaks to me it hurts.
Because somewhere inside of my i know its going to end
and soon.
It's like having the knowledge that someone you care for has a couple of weeks
before he/she dies.
And you want to spend the rest of those days happy and to their fullest extent
but every time you see their face or they make a joke---your heart aches.
You know it's going to end... you hope it won't and your ideals in your mind are all wrong..
but as far as you know, it's ending.

How can you stop it without repercussions?

If I leave I will hurt because I will not have my family around me.
If I stay I will hurt because I will not be with someone I love most deeply.
I wish he had the strength to keep me in his heart until I'm experienced enough to be with him.
I wish I had the strength to be fearless and not worry about what I'm losing but think of what I'd be gaining.
I wish I wasn't in this situation.
That he was here with me already.
and always.
I love him so much.
But I love my brother and Raven.
Her face when she realized I was leaving..
I don't ever want that little girl making that face again over me.
She looked devastated.
And I can only remember how it felt to have my idol leave me.
The one who protected me and showed me so much love and compassion when I was younger than her.
He impacted me more than anyone else has on this planet in a matter of a year or a little more.
I've been around this girl for 8 years.
I don't want her to imagine losing me.
I don't want to imagine losing her.
God, I can't believe I'd contemplate losing either of them.
He and Raven share my heart, my brother does too in a sense.
I don't know what I'm capable of.
I don't know what i can handle.
I don't know what's worse.

I feel as if I should break it off now so I don't have to endure hearing him
or perhaps fall deeper in love with him before the time comes.
I'm not ready to leave.
but I'm more than ready to be with him.
Does that make sense?
I want him here.
I want to be with him.
I want him.
I choose him.
But right now in my life, I am unable to have him.
I'm too ignorant, too young...
I don't have the backbone to really straddle in and make an imprint on the world.
I'm not ready yet to be on my own.
To be away from the family.
To be away from Raven.
I want to see her grow up, happy.
I want to be here for that.

Oh why did you have to put on a deadline, love?
Don't you know why it's called a deadline?
I'm going to miss you.
I already feel the affects.
i won't get over this.
I didn't before.
I'm not now.
and I won't ever.
That seriously sucks.

i want him so bad, i picked him from the rest
but i'm not ready for something of this caliber
someone tell me what my future holds before
i make the wrong mistake, the one that cost
far more than any other decision i could ever make
oh god, right now my mind is so lost
how do you choose
between living but falling without a parachute
or having your chest
cut into?


----

I slept for three in a half hours, and the other half hour i
lied down by the fire and possibly burned my big toe.
owww




faith

So released, free
like all the weight is gone again
and it feels good to breathe.
I know you were watching
my back as I walked away,
waiting for me to turn around again.
and here I am, a cracked slab of clay
willing you to mold me.
just continue where you
left off before my last journey.
It's led me back here, see
and not again do i wish to go
away from these arms, my walls,
my home.

----

Thank you

thank you

thank you!!

I KNOW You're the one who set all of this up for me.
You really are an awesome God.
Way to hose me off with a fireman hose though! 
Couldn't have been a little more gentle?
hahaha, it's great though.
i'm glad.
REALLY glad.

I'm a weird, odd, dork, with no sense of humility.
Yes I go out there and make a fool of myself just for a laugh, to break the ice
Yes I am incredibly indecisive.
Yes I rationalize with my head AND my heart.
Yes I ignore my feelings until they catch up to me.
Yes I run away and block out my past.
Yes I do enjoy myself in large numbers of groups WITHOUT exchanging intimate moments.
Yes I do consider myself independent.
Yes I do feel gratitude that I am not weak.
Yes I do have my weak moments.
Yes I do understand that the majority of you WILL NOT understand me.
Yes I do realize that the majority of you will assume who I am without me using words.
Yes I do notice that I am incredibly persuasive.
Yes I enjoy debating and arguing.
Yes I hate rudeness.
Yes I consider assumptions, judging, gossiping, and being mean for enjoyment as rude.
Yes I WILL tell you what I believe.
Yes my opinions are for sale.
Yes I really AM THAT nice.
Yes I have a bitch side that I normally keep under wraps.
Yes I am known to challenge someone who's attitude I don't like.
Yes I am talented.
Yes I have found God.
Yes I do not go to church, and am a christian full heartedly.
Yes I procrastinate.
Yes I do not have full confidence in myself.
Yes I do what I believe is the RIGHT THING.
Yes I torture myself with my busy schedule.
Yes I know most of you will bring me down.
Yes I know you will call me names.
Yes I know you will talk behind my back.
Yes I know you will say one thing about me, but to another say something else.
Yes I forgive you.
Yes I am incredibly happy.
Yes I read.
Yes I do love my friends, my family.

and you know what?
I ACCEPT MYSELF!
FINALLY.
AGAIN.
No second thoughts this time.
No quivering over the dotted line of if I love me or not.
I know ME as ME.
Will all of you kindly now GET OFF MY BACK.
Because from what I've JUST EXPERIENCED
none of you like me when I am "normal"
none of you like me when I am not a ball of energy and spontaneous fun.
none of you like me when I am NOT me.
Fuck, why didn't I see that before.
why did I have to be completely wiped out, humiliated, defeated, and then smacked verbally to realize this?

I can be such a silly.
Yes I am an idiot.
YES Faith is back.

water bugs fly,
fly down my cheeks
leave speckles in your wake.
so sheer and gloriously caked
with a strength too weak
to prevent my eyes
from drowning.

f(c)o

----

  I

         don't

    know

In this clearing, I do
swear to love you
always, unconditionally,.
but my feelings fall through.
(come closer, i'll tell you the truth)
because honey, titles scare me.

f(c)o

----
coming home feelings list:
confused.
weighed down.
stressed (already).
scared.
insecure.
unsure.
longing.
contemplative.
quiet.
not talkative.
sad.
guilty.
with a pinch of a smile.

dont like it, sue me.
please then lose the suing.
and give me money.
and fix my heart.
it's short circuited.
it hasn't worked the way it should
in quite a long while.
be my hero and weld
the pieces back together
for me again.
No one told me the original
was so fragile,
silly me.
i may have pushed it too far the first time.
give me that second heart, then
i'll pick the new one off the shelf
the parts i want wont break this time
and we can all be happy again.
all
be happy
again.
this time.
happy.

-f.aith

All I hear is silence, baby
can't you hear my calls?
an empty room for two of us
full of longing for your voice--
a gift not often spent in charity.
I can plead for your response but my
voice doesn't seem to carry.
but you see,
at least the dial tone loves me.

f(c)o

----

I'm hungry.
Jennifer rocks.
my legs hurt.
my finger is swollen.
ouch. i typed with that finger.
time to sleep
nighty night

-faith

I try to find you honey
but all i see are stars
shooting across those pretty eyes of yours
deep blue and so far
away from where I am
is it pretty where you are
i can't tell, i'm not there
i've been left behind
with only stars 
left hanging in your stare

f(c)o
..

i feel
relieved
happy
tired
...so tired...
so much emotion went through me tonight.
so many tears pushed down.
so overwhelmed by pain and hatred
and all at once it was lifted off
with but an opening of a dresser drawer.

That's it! I'm going to church again.
After begging for two hours
crying for this to work out to Him the rest of the next day
and altering my prayer this night
then finding what I was needing
the first place I looked.
Can't see that as chance. Coincidence, maybe.
But come on, praying and praying, then altering a prayer
because it "worked for Linda" 
and finding it "work", "prove true" only minutes after saying it.
I say it again.
Even if just this once.
Even if it doesn't last.
I say, fuck this, I'm going to church again.
Sign me up, Scotty!

speed trap ahead.


translated: i had a flipping awesome day and i'm scared to believe my bad luck is over in case this was all just a ploy for me to drop my guard and have something horrible hurtle at me.

loved today.
loved it.
love love love.

My friend was moving, was driving off.
Was fifteen minutes into the trip
to the new city he was going to live in.
But he couldn't leave without
at least talking with me.
Instead of just calling,
He turned his car around
unexpectedly
and spent a few hours with me
watching Aladdin
and talking.
Totally wrapped the arms around me
and made me feel better about everything.
He said "I'm sorry if this crosses anything or offends you, but
you have been a wreck these past few days and
from what I know of you, this is the only thing i can do
to make you feel safe again without breaking
our friendship."

It helped LOADS.
SO MUCH.
(even if I'll never admit i've been
a "wreck")
He's kept in touch with me
all day just to check up
and such. Really sweet.
But he'll be back for his dog
in two weeks. We'll see each other then
hopefully?

loved today.
LOVE LOVE LOVE.

Went to brothers house
made cookies with Raven.
<3 my niece rocks.
Wore the shirt Evan bought me for my
birthday. He rocks.

FUNNY FACT: My siblings do not buy me presents for any occasion.
It's rare if they do.
When Mike came to visit, they found out last minute.
Bought him presents, each one did.
I received none.
I was very happy they did that for him, but I was also
very envious.

LOVED TODAY.
LOVE LOVE LOVE.
Talk with one other special guy will complete it. <3

He's moving tomorrow. :(
my new friend who quickly became my best
in two in a half months.
we were supposed to hang out today around
3pm.
It's 7:45pm.
I'm so worried we won't even get to talk before he's gone.

I was away on a theatre trip since Thursday.
Kept in good contact with him.
Friday night my phone turned off
and would not turn back on no matter
what i did.
It DIED. :(

This morning, Sunday, I went to the phone place
turns out I can replace it for free.
I bought a cheap 2Go phone
transferred my card into it..
19 msgs. :O
holy crap!

He tried to talk to me, wondered where I was,
if I forgot about him entirely, etc etc
texted him back as soon as I figured out how to. (lol)
no response, no picking up the phone, no nothing.
I think he left his phone somewhere while he's been out
with friends saying goodbye.

It makes me SO sad. If i had only memorized his number
the minute i realized how close we were getting.
I've always done that, I memorize the numbers
of people important to me. But for some reason I didn't
with him.
So now it's much too late for us to have a good solid
get-together before he leaves.
If I even get to see him before then.

why is my week so bad? Why do I have so much
bad luck?
All week. one bad thing after another.
but this is ridiculous.. i can't miss seeing him.
FUCK!

is definitely not black and white.
there are some hispanics, chinese,
and other ethnic group colors in there too..
har har har i know not funny.

On to the point:
I do not understand how someone can look at them self
and believe in all honesty that they are intelligent, or
intuitive, or observant, or
understanding.
How many masks do you have to wear for that to be true?
Do they have to put on the caring face
when their friend cries?
Or is that their real face and they set aside
the asshole mask, or excuse mask,
the weak mask, the arrogant, irritating, better then you
mask?

I'll tell you what. I am truly an observant person.
grew up that way because fact was no one wanted me around.
All I could do was scream, cry, watch, and listen.
I can see through the cracks of the masks
pretty easily. Of course most of those people will not call
it a mask but give me the "I am a complex person" line.
You are only as complex as the walls/masks you put in front of you.
Point blank.

I'm not complex at all. It's a matter of how much you allow
others to see of you. NOT by hiding parts of who you are
with some stupid mask.
But by simply remaining silent, and choosing what you say
or what you act on.
This speech is so contradictory I get it, it's hard to explain.
I'm tired of not understanding the people and wondering if
what they're giving me is the mask, or their real self.
As soon as I know 'who' i'm talking to, they pull a 180
and I'm back to square one.
It's ridiculous.

CHOOSE who you are and stick to it.
STOP deciding you should be this or that one day
and continue to act the other.
it's confusing.
annoying.

Thus why I use the phrase "I don't understand you."

The only reason I use that line is if that person keeps changing.
Constantly.
Putting on that other mask.
but claiming "complex" or "difficult to get to"
why the hell should you be any different? 
Why would anyone want to have to 'get through to you'
Get off your high horse.



sheesh. People are annoying sometimes.

I forgot my pe clothes for tennis so I asked around in the locker room for shirt and shorts and I was given hoochie shorts and a tank top?
So I said "screw it" and played with those clothes on and I felt like a slut the entire time?
And people were staring?
And my girl friends were asking me if I lost weight because 'I look damn slim' and good?
And I couldn't wait to take them off because I didn't like that sort of attention?
But the other girls in the locker room way of supporting me was 'don't worry, you can't REALLY see anything.'
But no matter what I did I felt watched?



Yeah.. good times.

Mmhm, i don't like parading my body, it's derogatory. Not that I have a lack of fashion, but my fashion doesn't include short shorts...
Besides, I enjoy wearing something hot on special occasions or when I'm bored. Otherwise I feel like a slut.
Oh boy, what do I want to be for halloween next year? 
Maybe I can go as a slutty slut and wear rubber leaves in the appropriate areas.
Maybe then I will fit the American Woman description.

Question: is it ok to protect yourself if it meant detaching yourself slightly from the one you love?
What if it's to protect yourself FROM the one you love?
What if it's because you were hurt by relying too much on them, and you don't want to let it happen again?
Is it ok to kick them out of your heart?
What if it's not a complete kick out, but that they still very much have influence,
just not enough to bring you down to the point you hurt so much it aches for days?
Is that wrong?
Is that wrong to that person?
Or is it wrong for that person to have affected you enough that you are scared of the hurting?
.. or the lack there of?


I'm happy, that's all I know.
just troubled by these questions.
Uncertainty sucks.

Oh well as of right now, I'm over it.
Don't feel like dwelling on it until I have to.
Hopefully I'll be able to hang out with Mr. *** today again.
I hope so! :D

FIN

-f.aith

I am a very angry, bitter person.
Nearly everything has the ability to piss me off.
I'm only able to contain it---
--95% of the time.
The other 5% of the time I end up voicing
my opinion without remorse.
From then on I will remember how that thing SLASH person
forced their way under my skin.

I am a very jealous, hateful person.
Nearly everyone has the ability to make me
hate them---
--95% of the time out of jealousy.
The other 5% of the time I hate them simply because
they are idiots.
Yet I am able to contain it from actually
lashing out on someone---
--99.999% of the time.

I am a very talented, creative person.
Nearly everything my eyes look at is seen
in a whole other perspective then others---
--95% of the time.
The other 5% is a mixture of black and red because
of the time I spend blinking.
From then on I have yet to find something, creative or not,
that I cannot succeed in at a high rank SLASH status.

I am a very laid back, observant person.
Nearly everything between the lines is seen and
remembered subconsciously---
---98% of the time.
The other 2% of the time I ignore the details because
the person SLASH thing does not interest me in the least.
Yet I keep most of my knowledge away from others
to avoid inconveniences---
--99.999% of the time.


According to these traits I am roughly a very low, horrible person who is not to be, generally, trusted. But that aside and statistics involved, it can be reasonably assured that I will be perceived as a very nice, friendly person who can be trusted with anything.

Really it's all simple math.

-f.aith